Governor Rainier 'McBain' Wolfcastle
20 years ago
· 2 min read
Rainier 'McBain' Wolfcastle is the cartoon parody of Schwarzenegger on The Simpsons
I'm seeing a trend. Any time that I think a candidate is ridiculous, has no chance in hell of winning an election, he or she does in fact win.
California has just elected cartoonish, action hero type, Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor. Besides wanting to have a special election to create a new state line below Carmel, I'm trying to learn from this win. Below I've listed a strategy for the Democratic candidates in the 2004 presidential election. I think it's a winner.
Democratic Presidential Plan B
- Abandon current high brow debates. No one likes an egghead.
- Hide all copies of current strategy. Your actual opinions can only hurt your chances. Save those for after the swearing in ceremony.
- Begin making wild outlandish claims about wanting to be the 'peoples president' and that you want to work with 'everyone'. Try something original like 'I want to give every man and woman I see a firm handshake.'
- Try and work with your PR folks to work up a rivalry with a Republican candidate. Everyone loves a fight.
- Play up any character points. If you are from Idaho, have publicity shots of you eating a potato. If you are from Vermont, attend a Phish concert. People love visual hooks.
- Make brash statements about the incumbent, ie: 'The problem with the current administration is that the fat cats are pandering to lobbyists every Tuesday of the month at TGI Fridays!'
- Get endorsements from people who don't really have anything to do with politics. Specifically, Justin Timberlake, Eminem, and Jessica Simpson could swing a state like Michigan with their views exposed on Letterman.
- Late night talk shows. Do them. Do them well, perhaps hire a stand-in like Ray Romano if you can't do them yourself.
- Enjoy the view from the Oval Office.
You are welcome.
Also, I saw this photo of Arnold pointing AFTER I posted the Wolfcastle image above.