The sound of my heart breaking right in half

So I love the Super Nanny, LOVE HER. We have just begun using the 'sleep technique' with Miles as he has been struggling to stay in his big boy bed and fall asleep all alone. He is doing pretty well. This is day two and it only took one hour for him to fall asleep at nap time. That is progress, considering since last night's first attempt took 2 hours. I have faith in you Super Nanny!

Today after his nap I congratulated him on falling asleep in his bed, "just like a big boy". He smiled, hugged me, looked up at me with his big brown eyes, then he said the following:

I said I love you and you went away.

When Jason comes home from work today, I think I will have him help me put my heart back into my chest! I said it before and I'll say it again, best and hardest job EVER!

Ah, Kids today

The other day at the book store, back by the bathrooms Drew saw a strange something, paused, stared a bit and said: "What is that thing for?". It was a pay phone. He quickly decided that it must be used for anyone who needs a taxi cab ride home.

I like that he knows what an iPhone can do but imagines the pay phone to be all but obsolete.

One day he will be embarrased by this, but I have to let it out...

Miles let out a little toot last night while getting dressed after bath time. He looked at me, smiled and pointing to his diaper said "hey Mom I burped in there". Hilarious.

Troubled

I am troubled by a few of things lately.

First I am watching the View, regularly. Not the whole thing, just the 'hot topics', still I know, lame. During said topics Rosie O'Donnell debates issues with one Elisabeth Hasselback. I get crazy watching the two of them. I have been known to talk to the television(yes, while folding laundry, so! ). What troubles me is how a young, college educated, mother of one and one on the way, can defend the acts of this president. I mean what is wrong with her? She defends Mr. Bush like he is a member of her family and we Americans should not have any ill opinions about her crazy uncle or something. She actually said in a time of war we should be more loyal to our president, because he is the president. Someone needs to hit that girl over the head with a swastika. Loyalty? To what exactly? I have had it with her. This is AMERICA. The greatest parts of American history are marked by our inability, as a people, to be loyal in times of moral crisis.

The real heart of this war is what troubles me the most. It seems to me that Ms. Hasselback and other 'loyalists' like her in this country, value American lives more than any other on Earth. Who is suffering in Iraq? Who suffers the most during all times of war? Mothers and children. Some 600,000 civilians in Iraq have been killed. I cringe at the thought of not being able to provide my children with clean water, food, security. And yet thousands of Iraqi people have lived without these basic needs for how long? This is where Hasselback's compassion as a mother should kick in. We mom's are all connected at the heart of our children. We would die for our babies. Iraqi mommies do not feel differently. Why is it OK with her if others suffer so she can continue to live her life uninterrupted? One life is not worth more than another. Period.

I know I should be troubled by the fact that this person bugs me as much as she does, but I find I cannot help myself. She is on television with a microphone and everything, living a privileged life and not asking herself the hard questions. What is this war for? Business. Who is running this war? Business men, filthy rich, lying to our faces, business men. They do not deserve our loyalty, when if anything, they have earned our disdain.

I have been troubled since the moment I heard our president announce the "War on Terror". I remember I scoffed. A war on terror? Someone get that guy a cape and tights. He could have a huge "I" shield across his chest, "I" for IDIOT. Can one rid the world of evil? Not so much. Certainly not with guns. With this president at the helm I feel less safe that I did four years ago. Taking our shoes off at the airport, packing 3ounces or less of any liquid the equivalent of buying bigger locks on your door in a crappy neighborhood. It does not make us more safe, he has worsened our place on this earth and our children's future on this Earth.

I am troubled by the fact that this administration uses fear to control us. Terrorists, terror cells... How dare he and his administration try to scare us, as if men with bombs are just lurking around every corner. Who do you think Iraqi children believe the terrorists to be? The other night I was watching the Daily Show and saw an American soldier fully armed throwing a ball with a child. Am I supposed to feel this image is endearing? Yeah I would love it if a guy covered in weapons wanted to throw a ball around with the boys.

Keep in mind that we are in fact raising the next generation of Iraqi children to also hate Americans. Are we going to rid the world of that evil too? I will not be sending my children to that war.

I am troubled that Rosie is leaving The View because I wonder who will challenge that crazy loyalist and others like her? I understand Hasselback is allowed her opinions, but I hope someone with equally passionate beliefs on the side of truth will also be seated at the table. I know I will probably stop watching the show, but just knowing she and others like her are out there makes me crazy. In my opinion 2008 is WAY too late. Impeachment anyone?

Finally I am troubled about the message that we are sending our kids, those underlying, never have to say out loud because they are so ingrained in our culture messages. War is not OK with me. Hatred is not OK with me. Lying is not OK with me. So why am I standing by as my president attempts erase all of the values I am trying so hard to instill in my children? Loyalty? I think NOT!

Baby Maddie

Last night we got to see Miss Madison Grace for the first time who was three days old and just as cute as can be. At just over six pounds she is just a sweet little pea! Jason and I were pretty emotional, seeing one of dearest friends holding her first baby.

I was thinking how amazing babies and their mommies are in those first few days. I , even after having lived through two experiences of my own, am still in awe of how life changes in an instant and in so many ways. Babies... You think you have nine months to prepare for something you have wanted your whole life, and then they are really here. For those first few days, life seems to stand still. It is just you and that little creature figuring out life's most basic tasks.

I tried to rush though those days, wanting to feel normal again, until I realized normal needed a new definition. Now it seems silly to me that I wanted to move so fast. I did not realize it then, but motherhood is just not that way. Today for example we made it to the park and I have done some laundry.... that will about do it!

Looking at my dear friend and her precious little one made me realize that I think I really am all done having my babies. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those first few days where the world is at a stand still. A day that I could just sit and stare at my boys and listen to their little coos. Amazing. I think I could never get enough. It is just a precious moment that passes too quickly. So I will savor the memories, I guess. Lucky for me, my friends and family are not done having babies so I may just get in a few more precious cuddles.

AHHHHHHH

That is the sound most often uttered in my home these days. Drew, now three years old, is really sowing his oats and can often be heard yelling NOOOO at us for any number of reasons. Miles, at five months, is a very happy and mellow guy but he is still a baby and he has his own moments where he simple needs to be held or else AHHHHH.

I myself utter my own screams, silently in my head of course, as I try to traverse the path of raising two boys. For example the other day Drew who is also beginning to use the toilet had not quite made it in time and pooped on the floor! Gross, but good effort. Drew was upset because there was poop every where. In my attempt to clean up the poop and calm Drew down a bit I had to lay Miles on the carpet who then rolled over and began to cry. Then the phone rang. AHHHHHH!

Most days, however are not like this. I have two very beautiful babies who are healthy and so far they love each other. Miles is already eating solid food and sleeping a good amount. He could not be any sweeter. Drew loves to make him laugh and just yesterday he stuck his own thumb into Miles' mouth to help him stop crying.

So although I have found this transition tough I would not change a thing. My new mantra is I am going to do the best that I can. Perfect is for weird Desperate House Wives characters.

I must confess though the other day somebody asked me if we were ready to have more babies...I just looked at them straight in the eyes and said: AHHHHHHH!

Conversations that can only happen right before you give birth...

Today I realized the power my phone calls have over those I love the most. Everytime I pick up the phone someone on the other end is thinking "this is it, she's ready". Today I called Jason and this is how it went:

Jason: (in a meeting, in a hush tone) Hi, are you having a baby?
Me: No
Jason: Then I have to go, I love you.

And scene.

The other day I called my parents , the tone in their voice was filled with anticipation as they tried to stay calm and wait for the reason I really called, which so far, has been nothing exciting.

And you can forget leaving a missed call on someone's cell phone, they are all sure that the moment is upon us and they are missing it.

It is actually a lot of pressure. I hate to dissappoint the one's I love.

Seriously we are all so excited we can not contain ourselves. So even if this baby does not feel quite like making its grand appearence just yet, the little peanut should at least feel loved.

Thank you all for being so excited and supportive. Now let's all pray that this crazy event goes down in the middle of the day when we are all awake and bright eyed and maybe you won't even be expecting a phone call from me...